Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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