my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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