The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
