talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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