you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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