No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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