You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
