We named our party play list daddy issues
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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