I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
