I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
