On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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