Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
