Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sext me about skeletons
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
