Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
