Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
