there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
