I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
