I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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