my vag is so smooth its legendary
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
