This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
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Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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