I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
