oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
