He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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