The best revenge is premature balding
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I would fuck him just for his dog
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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