I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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