I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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