I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
