I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
