I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
