Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
