i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
