I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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