hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
bring money and cleavage
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
