I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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