he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
