Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I deserve this hangover.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
