dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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