sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All the doctor said was why
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
