I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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