Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You were trust falling into bushes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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