there's paper in my vomit.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is it penis luge time yet?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Pants are for mortals
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
