Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
