i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
