theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
try to milk me bitch
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