my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
