I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
