I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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