It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
