I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
