Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
