I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
