You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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