if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
