She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
